Not a private hell

I don't believe in private hells. So here's the public hell:

* They put me back on steroids. Day 3, I feel it. I'm pacing. I'm crying. I'm elated and I'm plunging. I can't get things to be quiet. The Dr reassures me the prescription I'll be sent home with will be a taper dosage.

* I'm fucking terrified of this.

* I had, like, this plan. Thirty-four years of scraping and screaming and bleeding just to get a jump on things that Normal People have, like good jobs, a regular schedule, a mental state that doesn't torture them.

* And then it was GONE. It was taken away from me in a single night, just as I was finally getting my hands around it. What the hell am I supposed to want NOW?!

* Why the fuck can't I just see this for what it is - another thing I'm going through? Why does it have to change everything?

* There's just not enough of me to hold all of the anger and grief and fear that's going on with all of this. I'm just not big enough for it all.

* I thought I was ready for this. I'm not.

* There's such a chance here, such a rare fucking chance for me to retake everything in my life and turn it into something brilliant and shiny and new.

* And I'm petrified that all of these feelings of pain is going to take that chance away, too. Like, I'll never be able to come through this a changed woman if I keep feeling so goddamn insane.

* I don't want to keep losing chances. And now I'm wise to the fact that I'm not always the one in control of what chances I DO lose. This is supposed to be liberating. It fucking scares and enrages me.

* I feel so fucking impotent in my own life, even though right now is the time I could do the most change ever.


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You will have me by your side until I pass from this earth. I know the insanity you live and I will be there for you.
I wish I could take everything I ever learned about a chronic illness diagnosis and implant it in your brain :(

Right now is not a time of change. Change require a level of stability and strength (physical as well as mental) that you don't have yet and might not have for a while longer. I think you're a bit like me in that you will tend to muscle through pain or discomfort and that will work for the flu or broken ankle, not so much with stuff that messes with our internal organs.

Be as kind and gentle with yourself as you can.
There's no easy answer to any of this. Chronic illness reduces life to head down, one step in front of another, and just keep going.

And sometimes the process of one step, one step, one step, becomes quite literally all that there is. And it somehow has to be enough. Because it's better than surrendering.

It sucks. It's not fair. It's a nightmare. All you can do is be kind and patient with yourself. Appreciate the small things. And keep putting one foot in front of the other.
A conqueror. The same thing you've always been. You have done more than merely survived in your life. You have been handed challenge after challenge that could easily claim some of the strongest souls, and you consistently find a way to rise to the occasion, kick its ass, and send it crying from your life.

You say you've done nothing more than survive in your life, but in reality it all comes from an inner drive that insists you will not be defeated.

Like everything else, this will not be something you can eliminate from your life; it is a part of you and will certainly have an effect on who you are and what you can do. But like everything else that has threatened to do the same, be it your abuses or your addictions or your chemical imbalances, you can master it, dominate it, and make it your bitch. The only thing you're missing right now is a plan of action, but that will come in time as you gain information, understanding, and perspective.

It won't happen overnight, but be patient. You're still a conqueror, and I still believe you have some fight left in you. There's too much subtext going on that screams off the page "I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED."
To me it seems you push yourself too hard. But I think it's not because you do it entirely from your own wishes, beside experiencing your body being a bitch that slows you down - it's also because you know and see society on the whole does not have any regards for you. People on the personal level, you experience the regard. But you don't experience it from the level of the overall system which makes out adult life. Job, health system, the entities you need to pay your bills at... And that's why you push yourself, even though actually you don't have the powers for it, anymore and never had completely. People who can throw you on the street or leave you without heating, water or electricity are more important as a base for a living than taking care of yourself and living as you mortal shell grants it to you...