What do I have to give???

You may be right, Matrix. It may be that steroids are the only treatment for certain parts of certain disorders. It's certainly one of the most common pills prescribed for lupus. But I just don't want to think that I'm that screwed. That I'd be painted into such a corner just because I got sick. I do know it wasn't terribly long ago that the only treatments for lupus were chemo and radiation, and that it was considered a fatal disease.

Looking at it that way, steroids don't seem SO bad...except they are horrible. Still, I guess incurable is a much better word than fatal.

Idk. Science needs to hurry the fuck up and figure this shit out, because I'm sure as hell not smart enough to cure lupus.

This blow-by-blow bullshit diary of my disease makes me crazy sometimes. It is an outright obsession. I suppose that makes sense, given how sick I still am, but geeeez. It feels like I'm listening to the same album over and over again. I'm beginning to be able to apply different connotations to the lyrics, but it's still the same band singing the same songs.

Does that make sense? I'm not sure if it did.

I feel as if I have no sense of give and take lately. It's all been take. Money, food, driving, emotional reciprocation - I've been taking those from people and giving them little to nothing in return. I know, realistically, physically, there isn't much I CAN give. No one is faulting me for it, but ***I*** feel it, and I feel it as being very wrong.

In an early episode of iZombie, the main character comes to the realization that she'd been spending so much time thinking about what she lost, rather than realizing what she had to give. Rewatching it as a person who requires some pretty heavy caretaking somedays, it really hit close to home.

Granted in the show, she uses her zombification to solve murders - and I am neither a zombie or able to solve murders. But what is it that I have to give?

Everyone around me points to my writing and goes "DUH. That's what you can give." But give what? A memoir that I have no idea how to start, structure, or even what it'd be about? Grant-writing, to which I think I'd like to do, but often fall short on energy to DO that kind of writing? Print out the last 13 years on Livejournal and just start shoving it at strangers on the streets?

Technicalities aside, I'm not sure if writing is what I'd want to give. Like, maybe it wouldn't be enough. It's certainly not going to make up for the thousands of dollars I've been borrowing, or for long nights Jesse has spent on hospital couches with me. It won't make up for the unrelenting avalanche of lupus bitching I've been throwing at all of you.

Is giving about making things up to people? About balancing the scales? It seems as if it should be. And if so, how do I balance those scales? What do I do, how do I serve others in a manner that will tip things closer to the middle?

What is my purpose here, in the middle of all this taking I've been doing lately? Where do I fit in?

I know, I know. Philosophy's been trying to answer those questions for thousands of years now. Me and my tiny little journal and what I'm writing in my tiny little journal are not going to be what solves them. But they're questions that, along with my red blood cells being eaten by lupus, are beginning to consume me.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1048004.html
As you say "chemo"... Reminds me of a person sick with MS saying something like that. But she said she already had no relapses anymore, so my guessing is the already has entered the form of that disease that means "constant decrease" (there is only one known form without relapses). She mentioned something like that as treatment she already had, speaking of herself as "beyond treatment". Like there is not much for the usual medicine left to actively do for her.
For why they use chemotherapy, I can imagine: It even has the effect on cancer patients to destroy the immune system of a person. After that, you can build it "anew" (however that works and how much they can really reconstruct it in a different form than before). For patients with auto-immune diseases, this effect also has some practical use then, admittedly. But, in regard it's a very radical treatment that's extemely harmful for the human body, obviously they only tend to use it as something of a "last means", if they really don't know anymore how they can help you.