When you assume, you make an ass out of me and -

Do I want to be awake at 6:30 AM, after being awake at 4:30 and then again at 5:30? No. It's annoying enough on its own, but I have a doctor's appointment at 1 PM that I have to be alert enough to get to, to process, and get home from. Then gaming at 4 PM.

All of my adult life, I've experienced what they call the "afternoon slump." Or at least, I THOUGHT that was what I was experiencing. I assumed that everyone who had the afternoon slump did things like slap their face to stay awake, or consume endless cups of coffee well into the evening just to keep their eyes open and to keep from stumbling and falling asleep on their feet.

Now, with Hey, Lupus!, I realize that no, that's not what they mean when they say "afternoon slump." That shit's not normal and I now I know it.

I can't always plan my days around the mornings and so, inevitably, there comes the exhaustion around 1 in the afternoon. It doesn't matter if I wake up at 5 AM or 11 AM - come the afternoon, I'm desperately trying not to fall asleep. I've never much thought to be resentful of it, as I thought it was relatively common.

Now that I know it's NOT? Enter the resentment, the irritation of knowing that if it weren't for this tiny but extremely powerful disease wrapped around my DNA, I could comfortably experience afternoons.

I don't want to have lupus. I don't want to have failed kidneys. I'm an adult, damnit, and I SHOULD have agency to have what I want. I mean, I did not do this to myself. I SHOULD have control, or at least have HAD control. Some set of behavioral actions I could apply to it. But it wasn't ME that went wrong. It was my genetics. And genetics don't give a flying fuck about being a grown-up. So I wrestle it down like a bear, sometimes winning, but usually (as I go down for a nap) losing.

Talk about feeling like a prisoner in your own body. Jesus fucking christ, it is ridiculous.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1052394.html