Just keep

In the waiting room at the doctor's office, a wild Anxiety Attack appears (and yes, it is Super Effective):

ME: Why do I have the sudden urge to scream and start running towards the door?

JESSE: Because this is the place where they tell you if something is wrong.

ME: I don't feel this way when I'm in the hospital. Why does going to the doctor make it feel SO MUCH MORE real?

JESSE: You've been in the hospital more than you've been at doctor's offices. It just takes practice, is all.

Just keep smiling and they won't know how scared you are. Smile, make a bad joke when you realize how long explaining the last 7 months to the doctor is taking. Smile. No, you're NOT going to break down sobbing when you walk out of the building. You're going to get in the car and light up a cigarette like a goddamn adult. SMILE, DAMNIT.

I feel so...small against the enormity of this disease. I want to run and hide myself somewhere, except myself IS the problem - all the way down to the cellular level.

Just smile.

They'll never know if you just keep smiling.


This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1052768.html