Repost - December 13th, 2009

Appropriate. Real. And still questions I am asking.

Does anyone have the answers?

"Toward", as written by my friend here on LJ, ravenlake

To those that I love

I will tell you that I am afraid, and despite my attempts at courage and naturalness, I find myself posing half of the time. I am ambitious and proud, my ego is frail, and I long to be settled and grateful and earthy. I am all of this on one side of me, and can I say, as I try to make myself worth what you weigh in for me, I can't tell if I'm doing it the right way or all wrong, can't tell my blindspots from my left, my mistakes from my right.

Will you forgive me for not being around? Because I do want to be. Can I say that I am mending breaches and tears all at once, and while I ask not to be excused, know that I am not ungrateful, just maybe a little foolish, and a little blind.

And this is addressed to you, and others--that the memory of you beside the window, or laughing hard with everyone else, or squeezing my hand, or having a graceful sense of responsibility--but most of all, the proximity of all our faces-- has made it harder, yet all the more valuable, to step outside a worn world of shadows, into the dazzling sun.

This year has brought with it new meaning to the words "learning how to open up." I'd always thought I was the most open person I know - after all, wasn't I utterly free with the information of almost every trauma of my past? Wasn't I outgoing? Wasn't I straight-forward and didn't I say just about everything that crossed my mind?

And I was/am all of those, though with the appropriete disclosure lesson of the last few years, perhaps slightly less of the first. And yet, this summer, almost everyone around me was begging me to talk to them, to let them know what was really going on, because I wasn't.

It came to mind that while I'm terribly comfortable talking about the places I've been, I'm less comfortable talking about whatever is going on inside of me at the present. Half the time it's because I can't discern the exact shape of the landscape myself and because of that trying to communicate it comes out as a big tangled ball of crazy, frustrating both the person I'm trying to talk to and myself.

But I'm learning. At best, I can usually come up with long strings of words that I'm feeling and dimestore psychology for those feelings), it is something I'm learning to appreciate.

It is a new idea, that's for sure. It is, in part, the difficulty of this that propels me along to continue trying to do it. And it's risky, because when I talk from that space in me, I really do risk offending and hurting people from being unable to clearly say what I mean. Extremely risky, and thus even harder.

But maybe it's riskiness, it's difficulty, it's potential for disaster and loss, is what keeps me trying to do it right.

As Ravenlake said, it makes it harder, and thus, all the more valuable.....

What is your experience in these sorts of things? How do you untangle the moment and share clearly? How do you keep wanting to share? How does that process work for you???

This entry was originally posted at
...I find, rather it's just internet groups that I can talk to if there's the need. Because I think, in my surroundings, no-one would understand, they'd just stare at me with eyes as big as saucers. The next thing to follow would be talking that what I've got in shit in my head and all that putting-guilt-on-you stuff...
If there's stuff not suitable even for that space, there's just doing the job of self-talking with pen and paper. Not for anyone to see, so no-one can judge it, and no-one can fucking call the police "Oh God! We have a Gefährder over here! We're all doomed, please save us from him!" (I put the link to the online dictionary 'cause, obviously, English still doesn't have a corresponding term to this one in German; it's quite all over the place through the fucking news broadcast. At least the dictionary provides an explanation what is meant by it, so one can get the meaning. If the setting for the translation languages to be chosen is not correct from the start, choose English-Deutsch, that's the right one.)
...If someone asks himself what I got in my package that I need such restrictive measures - yes, I fucking learned it that I better do it this way 'cause people are full of shit and Western ideology turned them into wimps that run from the first glimpse of talking about violence or blood when it's not from a pure victim-position. I'm sick of being accused all kinds of things only from single lines that I write... Remember, in all that outrage about islamistic terrorism, it could always be the last time the police visits you only to talk to you.