Breaking the cycle

Gonzo, thank you so much for posting what you did about the Propoxophene. When I read about how the effective and lethal dose were too close, I tossed that shit right away. Of all things, I can't overdo the Tylenol. Even the few of those pills I took shredded my stomach lining, which is a sign of an overdose impending.

They were also causing nightmares. And a class book, textbook definition of a night terror. The kind with awareness while paralyzed and the visual of seeing something pinning you down. It was a hell of a panic attack. I am no stranger to nightmares, but rarely experience night terrors themselves.

So between all that, I'm not using those pills anymore. Thank you for informing me of what the drug was actually composed of. I might have done some real damage to my kidneys without knowing that.

Another new symptom: Pain, or really an ache of the sharpest and heaviest kind, in my right arm. From shoulder to wrist, making the entire arm completely useless. It woke me up at 4:30 this morning. Too early for my tastes, but after some Tylenol, my last Hydro, and a heating pad, I can at least use the arm.

I will bring it up to my GP when I see her tomorrow.

I was bitching to Jesse about my nightmares. It was like, OKAY BRAIN, I get it. We're cracked. We've got lots of new trauma to process along with bits and pieces of old trauma. We've got a lot going on during waking hours, so you're trying to be nice and process it while I'm asleep.

But jesus, it doesn't do any good if it destroys the good sleep I DO get. I said to Jesse "My brain has its very own Guantanamo Bay built inside it." So where do I get it ratified that torture is illegal? How do I get my brain to compose its own Geneva Convention?

I thought the dreams would get less gory as I got older. They haven't. They've stayed the same gory they've always been. They HAVE reduced in frequency, now going months without nightmares instead of just a couple of weeks. But that week of nightmares that I DO experience, as it's always about a week's worth, fucks me up good and crazy every time.

For whatever reason, my mother has been on mind for the last few days. I was watching the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" yesterday, a favorite of her films. I realized that while I have long since removed from my life, I still like the movies she liked and still like the music she liked. Our ages vs our major life events have also run along the same lines.

We both are terrible cooks and have always dated men who cook. We both got divorced at the same age. And while for completely different reasons, we both lost our minds at the same age. (35 years old.) It's never been confirmed but Cassie and I have both long suspected she has untreated bipolar disorder. I am now wondering if she had lupus, which can make for all kinds of crazy, and just never got it treated. (Her hatred of therapists is only a few degrees higher than her hatred of doctors.)

Not that it rationalizes or excuses any of what she's done. She made her own choice to refuse therapeutic help, over and over again, for her own abused childhood. She made her own choice to stay addicted to drugs for the last 30 or so years. And she made her own choice to stay married to a man that she knew, she KNEW, was abusing her children.

No amount of crazy, mental or physical, makes up for that one.

But it also makes me wonder what other factors were in play - and how many more we have to share as we both get older. It's hard to break the cycle when you don't know everything about what composes the cycle. I guess the point is that as I see the destructive ones, those are the ones I bend until they snap. That means at least in my little life, those are ones I do not have to repeat.

So here's to breaking cycles, which will hopefully soon include the breaking the cycle of my unending uptick in blood pressure readings. That would be AWESOME.

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You're very welcome.

The strongest painkiller you can get over the counter here in the UK is called co-codamol, which contains a little bit of codeine along with I think ibuprofen. These are the ones Ella used to go through by the box.

I'm not sure if they'd get through customs to you, but I can try shoving a box in the post to you if you'd like.
Arm pain - let that definitely be known to your doctor in connection with the blood pressure problems.
Your night terror sounds like sleep paralysis. I get that if I sleep during the day, never at night. It's HORRIBLE. You're awake in your head but you can't move and feel like you're suffocating because something is sitting on your chest. In my head I'm always screaming at myself WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP and then I finally jolt myself awake. Awful!!!
I used to get sleep paralysis, too. It can be a symptom of sleep apnea. Jesse tells me you snore. That might be something else to get checked out once you're able. One, it qualifies as a disability, and two snoring is a cutting off of oxygen to your body and brain. It literally can kill you. I haven't had an episode of sleep paralysis since I got my CPAP. The worst one I had made me feel like I was being dragged up the wall.