Twenty-two years

My brain decided to wrap three of its favorite nightmare themes into one dream last night. My mother, my stepdad, AND dead cats. And as I sat outside for my first morning cigarette, trying to shake away the tears and nausea, I realized something.

That was harder.

It took two years to get away from them and another 20 years to get over them. I was so young. I was only 15 at the start of it. I had no idea what I was doing, only knew the desperation of having to get away from them.

And I eventually did just that. Did it at an incredibly young age, fighting them, calling a million agencies trying to raise the red flags, joining the courts against the only parents I had truly known at that age. I did all that.

I cannot run away from lupus. There are no red flags to be waived, no armies of social workers I can raise and stand with. Lupus is buried deep within my DNA. There is no hope of separating my body from this disease.

But getting away from them...that was harder. Healing from them....that was harder. It, however, gave me a roadmap. Faded, dusty from lack of use as it is, I know the path to freedom.

And I've decided to use it. Though it may take another two years of desperate struggle to remove myself from this immediate crisis, and another twenty years to accept this crisis, I will do it.

I will be angry. I will be overcome with sorrow. I will lose entire days, weeks, months to the fight, just as I did 22 years ago. But goddamnit, it was a fight well worth it.

So this will be as well.

This entry was originally posted at
Should I mention the "but" on it?
And it's not like it doesn't come from a certain experience...

When one's young, one's able to overcome a lot of shit like it's nothing when you're forced to do so.
Well, being young, you don't need to think about tomorrow. Surviving is just enough; the future is still ahead of you. You still grow, acquire powers and knowledge. Physically you're in a phase of 200% of the regular powers because of puberty.
Later, that ceases to exist. Pathways in your brain have been cut, life structures are build around you and it rests solely on you to either make the most of them, to take them or to change them. You also want to do the battle with them as you feel stupid and small if you don't do, as you're no kid anymore.
But, another effect, most offerings for help exist for youngsters, for adults capitalistic systems don't see the necessity except for if they can make money with it or the protest from the general populace would be too big if they erased it.
In other words: When you'r an adult, the start sequence is over. The future's there. There is no tomorrow anymore like when you're young and still a school kid. And, unless you have your friendly helpers or backup in the form of a potent family, then it's solely you, your resources, your reserves and your base that is build in you to deal with all these things coming up at you.
Which also aren't anymore on a level of 200%, to cap it all, as puberty's over.

So... That's why it's not exactly the same, hardly comparable at all. The preconditions are way different.