Good enough

I don't know what to write.

I write these bright, shining moments of strength....but it so often feels that's all it is...moments. And I know that's all that anyone gets, these moments that are supposed to allow us to persevere.

But I'm beginning to think my life is not one of perseverance so much as it is endurance.

In many ways, Matrixx, you are right. I am now much older than I was at the start and even the near end of that previous battle. Older, far more weary, and with less energy than I had before. This happens naturally as we age. Throw in a disease that literally saps away energy and the malaise triples.

But I've got to find something to hold onto. If I don't, I have no chance of continuing. I'll just melt into a dark, smoldering place and never reforge myself from the embers. So I'll use this, that old battle, until something better presents itself. Something resembling some semblance of health. Something...I don't know.

The helplessness turns into hopelessness. The hopelessness eventually gives way to rage. The rage only sustains me for a short time these days, as anger is exceedingly fatiguing. Then I'm back to helplessness. So the cycle continues. I am unable to see any picture, big or small.

It's so hard not to rage or despair at the Universe. At Fate. At God. At these nebulous concepts that I don't even believe in. It's human nature to want to blame someone, SOMETHING, for our ills, and I am most certainly human.

I'd blame my parents, but they cannot be faulted for their DNA anymore than I can. So that's a useless idea. Besides, while we know lupus is genetic, we don't even know if it's family-passed-genetic. It could just be some random mutation that happens to random people as far as we know.

The lack of answers about this disease are becoming more and more apparent...and more and more frustrating.

It's so hard to want to see another day when you know the day will be the same as the last - difficult, in pain, physically draining and physically immobilizing. But want to or not, the next day always comes, and I have to get up and deal with it. Limping, wincing, and often unable to do more than travel from the couch to the bathroom to the bed.

That's not perseverance. That's endurance.

I guess if that's all I have right now, then it has to be, on some level, good enough.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1068665.html
I have an imagination before my eyes what desperation and hopelessness can lead to.
Once saw quite a bunch of people falling victim to this and getting insane from it.
Even though, I don't want to dare to be the judge over the actions they drew from it - as I know there's always an end to every line. And if that line has been reached, what better is it to tell them to go on, regardlessly of all things important to them failing? What do you want to tell to a kid who's already gotten used to being kicked around in school? Tell it to go on and discover the lovely joys of... being kicked around some more when you pick up your first job?
In that case, I even find death is a solution. Death saves you from becoming a victim again if it's the overall social / political / economical system that is the base for making it happen again.
If a life's not worth more than 18 years, why continue the suffering that can be probably expected to happen?
Well, and that's why I don't want to make the judge over such thing. 'Cause I understand what it is like if a line has found its end and you either stand before the choice of picking a totally new way (which you need an idea and reserves for) or before closing the old one and making that closing final to all future choices.
You know... I see that some are blessed with more luck than mind in their lives, and some sprint in the hamster wheel and all they get for their efforts is stones raining down on them. Like lucky hands is something you're given with or not, it can't be attained or purchased. It's like clumsiness.
So... I never mark it as negative if someone feels this despair and decides to not run away anymore by even more trying that ends in fiascos again.
I know this is some very dark shit I'm saying there and I'm demanding for it not be understood the wrong way or being read by you in a state of unpredictable actions.

It's just... I have no real options to propose for this in this situation.
Not misunderstood. I am grateful that someone understands where the despair can lead to in my mind. I do not find Death as a solution, but it is extremely rare to find someone who would understand why a person would even meander over the idea of Death being a solution.

Thank you for being that person. Very few people get that. You do.
I think it's a thing of perspective. Can't say where one gets the composure for it; seems like a thing either you get it and can accept or you can't.
Many people have their problems with that topic, or with reaching what they feel as their "bottom" at all.
Always keep moving, always keep looking for a way still... It can't be what can't be.
That's also a kind of restlessness.

Perhaps also has to do with what one thinks to be a "fulfilled life". I think quite a lot of people think this needs to be getting old, having a family, getting a good job, a good house, a nice car and whatever.
But that's just an image of society one carries in his head. All that doesn't necessarily promise to make you feel content.
Depending on how intensively someone lived, it can also be a fulfilled life only lasted 50 years. Who's the one to judge and say this is factually wrong? The formula for happiness still hasn't been found by anyone, so it still remains a thing of feelings.

Edited at 2017-04-07 07:56 pm (UTC)
Life is life -- as hackneyed and churlish as that sounds. Too often I fear 'we' (whoever that is) expect it to be this way or that, but we rarely examine why that is the case. Even in our darkest moments, we know that something extraordinary is happening. And yes, we endure. By god we endure. But as that is dark, so there is light -- in love, friendship and kindness. Sorry if that sounds a bit ethereal, but it's all I've got. Blessings Julian _/\_