The moon does not pale with envy. It mocks the hell out of me.

It seems my body, at least for the past couple of weeks, is less set at waking up at 5:00 AM and more set on just getting 5 HOURS of sleep, no matter the time I collapse under the blankets.

Or so tells the clock, when I was exhausted and asleep by 10 PM last and woke up at 3 AM. (Whereas otherwise I go to bed at 11:30 PM and wake up closer to 5 AM). It's easy enough to gauge what time it is by where the stars and moon are sitting when I shamble my way outside for my first cigarette.

Curse those stupid stars. And the moon. That's stupid, too.

It's in part joint pain and the regular insomnia I've long since suffered since getting sick. But mostly, it's having to go pee. Like, every two hours having to go pee. It's the one effect of my Cellcept (the kidney drug) that I miss. It put my pee schedule on something like a normal person's, where I could sleep six hours straight.

It was nice to not wake up 3 times in the middle of the night out of fear of mixing a bursting bladder and bedsheets.

It's irrelevant, as I've been out of my Cellcept for two weeks now. And I sure as hell don't miss the other side effects (nausea being its main one). I FEEL better lately without the Cellcept, but god knows what it's doing to my kidneys. I can't see my insides. My kidneys could be diving into the abyss as far as I know.

I'll call and check up on the bloodwork taken last week at the dr's. Hopefully everything is going smoothly. And I do have a resource that can help me get the drug cheaper, at $24 dollars a month instead of $65 a month.

That was WITH Medicaid, though. Another thing that has yet to be reinstated. I'll have to call them, too, and see what the hell is going on with that. Setting up the new Cellcept script will require another call, another visit, and more paperwork. And I have to call a disability lawyer, as I've realized the system is waaaay too complicated for me to handle on my own. AND brave the bright lights and loud noises in order to get food stamps again. AND do a few food pantry runs.

I've always disliked talking on the phone, much preferring writing over speech. At least since that became a viable option, given the very early 80's I was born in and the 90's that took two days to deliver an email to someone. Somehow I always used to fight through that and call the needed agencies at the needed times in my life.

But now that talking ITSELF requires energy, let alone being a precursor to yet ANOTHER physical appointment and assloads of paperwork (something else that unfathomably causes anxiety for me)...

At least after today's talk therapy, I'm appointment free for the week. (Set mid-afternoon, which is my WORST time of the day, but goddamnit, I need that therapy.) Maybe that'll help.

And maybe the stupid wake-up today time will allow me to bathe, of which I haven't done in mumblemumble over a week mumblemumble. Classic sign of depression and fatigue, but there's really only so far a whore's bath will take you. (The kind where you just washrag and soap up the stinkiest areas, twat, tits, ass and underarms.)

Jesse and I will HAVE to move the bed. Aside from the whole PTSD of "I almost died in this bed in this position TWICE now" that affects both Jesse and I, crawling over him has now become a painful obstacle course. It's set in the corner of the room and as he requires a bedside stand to put his CPAP on, he's got the outside edge. I actually prefer the inner side, squished up along the wall. But fighting his legs, arms, and cats three times a night (let alone my legs, arms, and the couple of cats always piled on ME) is just becoming too painful.

Do I have friends that could help out, or at least accompany me through all these calls, visits, and Furniture Tetris? Yes, two. But (1) Pat still can't walk at all and (2) Amanda, my best girlfriend, is attending university and is often very busy. School is important. She is *thisclose* to getting her Bachelor's degree and I don't want to distract her. I'm also not going to ask Pat to ruin over a year's worth of neural neuropathy healing just to switch out the computer desk and the bed.

I found a wonderful small moment yesterday. When the sunlight, either dawn or dusk, crests over the apartment buildings and there's a slight breeze, the tree leaves will begin moving in time with it all. If you dim your focus just the barest of bits, the light hitting the green looks as if a thousand gold coins are tumbling over each other. It's beautiful. I'd not noticed this since I left Arizona and cottonwood trees 14 years ago.

Maybe I'll start learning how to identify the different trees and birds that hang out around here. A nice, utterly non-energy draining hobby, which can be done from my back porch.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1072872.html