The internal monologue

(And Karl, your recent post is one that I want to get back to, directly as a response to your post. Despite having been there, I don't think I have any answers. They are both so simple and yet so complicated at the same time. Do not feel as if you are alone or as if the issues you raised were said into a vacuum. I noticed and as soon as I am able, I will respond.)

My own morning inner monologue:

* How are you making it, Teressa? How are you still alive and waking up each day, even if it means sleeping all day, or crying and trying to crawl away from the darkest thoughts, or watching tv in the deepest malaise you've ever known?

* Honest answer? The brutal, honest answer?

* Yes. I want the honest answer, brutal as it may be.

* Truthfully, I don't know. I honest-to-god don't have any clue as to how I'm "making it." I guess I figure that feeling hopeless about the future implies a future to BE hopeless about.

* Is that enough?

* It has to be.

* Okay. Okay. If that's what it is, then that's okay.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1074225.html
I guess an answer to this is: "Because - what should I do else? Should I go there, in my still half-way young age, and just blow my brain out of my skull and that's it? That's been "life" for me?"
Meaning, your drive to stay alive still remains intact, even if you're hit with whatever blows to your health and life (in a material manner), and - if you're not already in the age where it is a possible option that you can die any day because that's what will be waiting for you in 10 or 20 years just from natural causes anyway, you don't have the calmness to just make a cut with that drive.
I compare that to people which get into their 50s or 60s and with people who are subject to terminal illness like cancer. It is strange, but... with knowing your body is in a physical stage where you know you are going to decrease only from now on in a manner that you get to feel strongly, it somehow seems like people are able to get an attitude of "well, I don't need to be able to feel like on top of the world anymore". Like, it's when you come to recognize and accept the state of things and that you're not a spring chicken anymore. When you come to think of that circumstance as "it's okay".
People with terminal stuff like cancer who know from experience already that chemotherapy also almost kills them too, those partly seem to come to a similar position when rejecting the treatment for a second time. Like "54 years of age are also a life, why does it need to be 80?". "Partly" I say because I'm not sure if everyone really thinks this decision through to the end and makes that in a highly conscious state - you know, you can say it that easily and dig your head in the sand, but what is it about that if the final hour has really come? Still you don't regret your decision? I'm not so convinced of that if all people don't rue their decision then (if there still was a good chance to get rid of the cancer again for a 2nd time).
But - I won't exclude it that there really are people which do it in a state very aware of their situation and still they say "that's enough, I've had it with the crap - and if I'm gonna come out alive out of the treatment, that's also vague because of the physical impact".
So... well, maybe you get what I mean.
It requires certain factors to acquire that calmness to accept and let go. But that's the very base of doing something else than daily getting up and following your habits.
As long as you mentally can't call such an attitude to be deeply your own, there will be doing nothing else than spending your time and going on living despite the obstacles and things that make life miserable for you.