There is peace and there is sleep

There is sleep and there is peace. The two do not always coincide. I have slept today. I have kept the darkness at bay. The worst of the thoughts only went as far as "I don't want what I used to have. I just want to kill the pain."

As far as the darkest of my thoughts go, it is not enough to send me into a suicidal spiral.

I watch Jessica Jones again. I do not know what I am looking for in it, only that I am searching. I am always searching lately. The questions overshadow all of the answers and the answers always waver. But the search continues. Perhaps there is peace to be had in that, though it's not something I can easily convince myself of.

I will not sleep well tonight. I never sleep well. But maybe there will be peace in what sleep I do get. Sometimes, just sometimes, in the moments before sleep overtakes me, I find myself unaware of what hurts, what I fear, and what the next day will bring.

If that is peace, even if it is not sleep, then that is what I will take. I will never be a peaceful person. It is not in my nature, nor is it in written in my code. There has rarely been peace in my life before and it will never be a continued state of my life in the future. But maybe, just maybe, I can experience a few moments of it.

As always, if that is what I have, then it has to be enough.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1075247.html