They say the world keeps spinning

4:30 AM. As Jesse's friends are also night owls, sometimes he's out late to visit them. I do not begrudge him this. I just find myself sometimes unable to sleep at night, unable to really fall asleep, until he is home. A safety measure, a comfort blanket, just his mere presence in the home. It makes sense, given the number of medical calamities suffered while he was either asleep or not home, but still, it is annoying for me and I imagine for him, as well.

And as I wake up invariably, ridiculously early, we are.

Argh, this is the part that is SO FRUSTRATING. The daily writing goes on, no matter what has happened the day before. The sun always rises, no matter what has transpired in the night. The body needs fed, the catboxes need scooped, the trees bloom and wither, and life just fucking GOES ON no matter what.

In my teens, experiencing what would turn out to be a long line of traumatic events, I found this terribly unfair. As if the world should stop to acknowledge just how painful what I was going through was.

In my 20's and early 30's, I found solace in the continued spinning of the world, knowing that nothing, no pain would ever be so great as to end it all.

Now, with the age of 36 biting at my heels, I again find myself resentful of the concept. And so this will go on, every morning, so and on so on, until my body stops altogether, and even then, the world will keep spinning.

Hopefully by that time, I'll be too dead to care.

(That's not a suicidal thought. I just don't believe in an afterlife, therefore I'm hoping I won't exist in any form after death long enough to experience any emotion at all.)

This entry was originally posted at
You know what? That's the stuff that gives you comfort and calmness if you see people sacrificing their lives on the altar of things where they absolutely think it matters, but in fact it doesn't. Also... it gives you calmness and distance if you ever found yourself in the situation of potentially ending up doing the same. That you think twice about it and get "all this is just a load of bullshit, nothing's gonna change".

Not even to speak of another situation: If people want to tell you what you must do and what they say is normal. If you'll satisfy their expectations or not or feel guilty and cry all the time that you can't be like them - it doesn't matter. If you fit or don't fit, it won't change anything on that situation that no stones hail down on you and that the whole rest of the world won't go down just because of you single little dull-witted person.
All that crap trying to talk you into feeling guilt for things that you feel they don't harm anyone, that they more care about than you yourself, it's just nonsense. The only one being worried all the time and making a fuzz is other people from the outside...
And if they do that or not, the world's gonna go on existing.