What won't help. I need your help about hearing voices.

This part is so frustrating. Where all you want to do is drag a razor across your skin, but you also fully realize the futility of doing such a thing. It won't make me feel better. It won't get me treatment that I need, because the psych ward is a place to stabilize, not treat long term behaviors.

Marya Hornbacher once called this the boring part of treatment. Where you are healthy enough to recognize the uselessness of self-destructive behaviors, but where they are still plenty present in your thoughts.

What would hurting myself do? Nothing. Nothing but rack up another $5,000 medical bill to stay in a place where I can't smoke cigarettes. For any momentary relief seeing my own blood seep out might give, there are then the days following, when the wounds sting like hell and you realize you've given up again.

And I'm tired of giving up. Tired of doing things that don't really help. I'd say it's a fight in my head, but it's more a resignation that what I was doing wasn't working and so repeating it would also not work.

So Jesse's making dinner, and I'll have a full stomach, and that will make me feel better, and then there's the bed that's been eluding me all day, if I really need to pull the wool over my eyes for a little while.

Also, uhm, I need your guy's help on something.

Because I hear them. I've admitted this in passing before, but always relating it to pareidolia, the phenomenon of the brain trying to make patterns out of things that have none. Like hearing music when there's white noise on. Or seeing dragons in the clouds. I always thought it was fairly common (and it's not NOT uncommon, either), but as the months go on, sometimes there's no white noise behind what I'm hearing.

I can never make out words. It's not like they tell me to DO things.

It used to be just the sound of people talking, or of music playing. It used to sound like the din in a restaurant, dozens of people's voices rising into a lilting tune. Nowadays, it's usually one or two people, and I hear them so much more clearly than I have ever before. It's usually an argument of some kind.

Has my brain just decided to filter in and increase the volume on the internal monologue?

I like it better when I hear music. So much of what I hear is beautiful, violins and pianos and haunting voices. But the fact is that they are now here even when there's nothing else for my brain to try and cast patterns on.

Do I even need to worry about it at all, since they never say bad things to me? Can I just chalk it up to another faucet of being crazy in general, since it DOESN'T get in the way of my daily, functioning life.

My grandmother was a schizophrenic who heard voices.

My mother hears voices.

Cassie hears voices.

And so do I.

How do I tell people that without coming off as...much, much crazier than I am? (Or at least want to believe?)

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1080784.html
Sleep deprivation can result in almost sort of voices as you describe. But this is a new symptom for you isn't it?

Honestly you probably just need to tell them, it might be a symptom of something medical?
Schizophrenia has a genitically heritable component. If found piled up in a kin, one can assume that such component exists in it then.
Direct bloodline, meaning kids-parents or kids-grandparents, are the ones to be mostly affected and that can be seen as a line of high risk to develop it yourself.

As Gonzo mentions, sleep deprivation also has the strangest effects, it's also not totally unprobable that it might be a result of that (unless it also appeared in previous situations over the years before lupus became active).

I'd also throw it into the round as a possible sign of PTSD - meaning, hearing voices which actually had really been there and you heard them in a pending state between conscious- and unconsciousness which now reach your conscious mind because of a certain trigger or out of the blue.

In next appointments with doctors, I'd definitely mention it, since it can be a side-effect of meds, of the sleep deprivation and since you have a medical history inside your direct bloodline with a phenomenon like this.
A psychiatrist should actually be able to do anything with this info.

But, if you're worried about causing anyone concern because of acting strangely or starting to talk to something that is actually not there in the really, go and try to talk to Jesse at least in a careful manner. Only to not make him worry about anything, should anything ever go out of control.

Remembered something.
Schizophrenia, comparable to psychosis, can be "caused" (more like: triggered loose) by sudden hard-hitting and stressful life events. Like - it's a way of how the brain literally deals with high stress.
To go that way of altering brain chemistry (which both things are), you need to have a genetically set tendency. This is even the same for all other tendencies how to cope with severe life events. If a genetically-based tendency to react with altering of how you perceive things with your senses, then this a more preferred option for your body to react to it, even though it doesn't necessarily have to react this way.

Edited at 2017-05-21 12:12 am (UTC)
You won't be sectioned as long as the voices aren't telling you to do bad things to yourself or others or when it's clear that you aren't breaking away from reality. Like there are little green men, and they're coming to get you RIGHT NOW. It's worth mentioning next time you go in especially since you have a family history. I wouldn't make a special appointment unless the voices turn negative. I'd take notes on the voices when it seems like it's worse, time of day, any stressors, medication changes, how many voices, male/female, etc.

I'm schizoaffective. I have auditory hallucinations. Most of the time it's harmless commentary about what's going on. Sometimes I can't understand it and other times I can. Sometimes it's hateful towards me. Sometimes it's music. Sometimes it's commands. Sometimes it's Alan Alda telling me that I need to take care of myself.

Stress, sleep deprivation, anxiety, crowds, fans, and god knows what trigger it. Medication can also trigger it. Like, there was a time I took a muscle relaxer and I saw bloody woods on the wall. There were also sparkly rainbows on the walls too, but not together. At that point, I'd been hallucinating for so long that nothing phased me any more. I think my husband and mother were more worried.

Hearing Voices Network is a good resource. There's also several good TED talks about it too.

Edited at 2017-05-21 04:12 am (UTC)
If I started hearing voices, the first thing I would do is figure out who the voices sound like. My feeling is that they will be the voices of known assholes who have betrayed my trust.

If not, and they are original, my instinct would be to argue with them. Seriously, if they know so much, how come they haven't got bodies of their own?

I have reread this and found that it may seem humorous. While my attitude is indeed to approach things looking for the humor in them, I am very much in earnest about this.
How do you discuss them with a mental health professional? Frankly, honestly and openly, just like everything else. As has been observed by others, there are a lot of possible causes for hallucinations. It could be caused by anything from drug interactions to n ear infection. You really don't need to be worried about being institutionalized for more than a day or two -- you don't have any money, so there's no benefit to anyone (besides you) to hospitalize you.

Me? I wouldn't argue, interrogate, or otherwise engage the voices, and I wouldn't particularly care who they sounded like. If you're dealing with something you believe to be a hallucination, it cannot possibly help to, say, ask them if they're a hallucination. Any answer they give is meaningless.

Besides, talking to invisible people makes us look crazier than we are. Even to ourselves.