I think I hear them clearer this morning

I haven't hurt myself yet. I won't today. That's all I can promise. I can't promise I won't spend all day wanting to. I can't promise that I won't spend all day trying not to drown in this ocean, or that I'll slip and my head will go under for a few moments of desperate insanity and exhaustion.

But I can promise that I won't hurt myself today. If I have to sit on my hands for a full 24 hours today, or likely hide away from my mind by trying to shut it down under the blankets, I WILL NOT HURT MYSELF.

This is what the voices are saying to me. I don't have any way to write out what they are really saying, because while they are screaming, they're still whispering just enough to mishear words.

Is it a game for them? Is it a game for me?


"You and I go deep like water
You and I run red like blood
You know my darkest secrets
I know what you're made of...

It's a heavy load to carry
And I can't hold on much more...

I've so much more to tell myself
We're running out of time
It's dark and dangerous treading
Oceans in my mind

I can't survive for both of us
I can't hold back the waves
This ocean isn't big enough for both of us

Up all night, I held your hand
While I wandered in the dark
I know I can't make myself better
When all I want to be is lost...

It's a brilliant game I play
When I lock myself away
And I make everyone fight for me, fight for me..."

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1081502.html
...I don't know what to say...
...Make sure, when the voices get too loud, when it gets maddening and you find no more silence all over the day, and when you start assuming ridiculous things which your cognitive understand tell you about this can never be real, when make sure, you better choose the ward.
'Cause when you think like somebody wants to poison you (maybe even a person close to you), somebody's watching you, sucking your thoughts out of your brain, and you start searching for cryptic codes in - whatever - the layout of a pizza cartonage, then it's definitely psychosis unfolding, if not worse.
Just make sure when such crazy stuff starts, then you know where to go, right?
This is not a virtual reality version of Silent Hill.
It's hard. I can empathize as I've been there many a time. I know that feeling. That feeling of bordering on the edge of losing control. I hesitate to give advice on waiting it out vs going to the hospital. Only you can make that decision.

I would put a call into my psych however.

You have any headphones? Music. Preferably something upbeat. Brittany Spears is great for this. so are Abba and the BeeGees. Sometimes that helps drown them out. Good luck.

Edited at 2017-05-22 02:08 pm (UTC)