Post whoring

Cutting whoring.

I'd lain down for a nap, perfectly happy, woke up and took a coffee cup outside, along with a razor blade I'd left in my purse. The razor was an afterthought, more or less being surprised that it was there to begin with.

Five minutes later, there's new blood pooling on my arms.

Ten minutes later, I am on the phone with every psychiatric unit trying to find a bed. None has one, and the two that might have been left voices mails and/or are busy lines.

I don't know what the hell to do, why it crashed so fast, or why it crashed why I was feeling just fucking fine, thank you.

Today's been a wierd as hell day. When the hell did I turn into my 15 year old self? When the hell did I get the balls to spend an hour on the phone (something that breaks me into a sweat anyways) trying to get help?

Up and down. It's annoying the hell out of Jesse, and I can't blame him one bit. This kind of shit is exhausting and exasperating to go through on a regular basis. Hell, even ***I*** feel exhausted, annoyed, and exasperated. We fight one the problem being my sedative, to which hey, if you don't mind me not sleeping for FUCKING MONTHS AT A TIME, sure, cut out the nighttime meds and let's see what a REAL manic episode looks like.

I wouldn't like it, but for the sheer force that it's being advocated, it's tempting to do just so I can say "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO, NOW LOOK AT THIS MESS! at the end

That even line I was talking about earlier. Total fucking lie, as it turns out.

Please ring, phone. Just fucking ring.

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Out of curiosity, why do you still have razors around?

If there weren't any in the apartment, you would at least have to go as far as the shops to get one?
we had gotten rid of most of them> i will still find occasional ones squirreled away previously forgotten> excuse the punctucation< my computer is possessed
As you're having blackouts and coming to, to find yourself having been cutting, it might be an idea to do another purge to get rid of the squirreled away ones? At least then your blackouts have to last long enough to allow you to get to the shops and back?
I don't really know what it looks like on the outside and on the inside with bipolar people, but I'd stick also with the opinion that this also needs psychological work in the deep. 'Cause - it gives me the impression like there's something in your mind that locks out the negative things, out of your consciousness, but it's not like they're not there or stop to exist. And whenever such a blackout time happens, then those are free - then some part of your brain is switched on that acts out all those things that are normally locked out.
And when you're conscious again, then you can't remember what you have done in that "mode", because some other part of your brain was switched on that has no connection to the rest.
Definitely, that sounds like some dissociation stuff.