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Lol - thank you, Bart. The lupus tag came from a suggestion from Blozor, as the edema in the first round of hospital stays had bloated me so much that my nipples just...dissapeared. Got stretched into oblivion. I'm happy to say they recovered and I have mostly normal looking tits these days.

And like I always say, somedays my tits are all I've got going for me, ha.

Michael - thank you for saying what you did about love. It has been over a decade, hasn't it? Time flies beyond the ability to describe...as love can, too, I'm finding out. It's good to hear that as screwed up as I had been, as I HAVE been, there was something I gave you, something that was so important that you decided to stay around for the next ten years to see what else comes next.

For what it's worth, you and I have a special relationship, and that won't ever go away.

Matrixx, I think the psychic part of this disorder, this disease...is more or less that I was trying to find help. I'd cut again, wasn't able to get admission, got fobbed off by not one but TWO psychiatrists, and was getting desperate to be heard. A "cry for help" sort of thing. A desperation slithering through my soul. Perhaps a touch (or more) of borderline personality, though I know very little about that diagnosis. I only know that I was misdiagnosed with it years ago, as only the treatments for bipolar helped.

(And that's how you figure out what your diagnosis is - if the treatment for that diagnosis helps, that's probably what you've got.) And yeah, a whole heaping load of PTSD - and (at least this time) PTSD about things I've inflicted on myself. Funny that we can do that to ourselves.

And ha, Gonzo - you're right as well. Part of something I had to figure out...for me, not writing is not only a curse that poisons me to a blood-level, but it's also boring as hell. Plenty - so much plentiful time to be bored later.

Cmck, thank you. It's good to hear that I'm far from alone in these circumstances. And I understand not always having the words to soothe another. I'm finding in this instance...it really is me that has to cobble together the words from others, no matter what they might be, and use them to save myself.

Cemetery...I want to be here. It's funny, I tried to explain Livejournal to some of the people in the psych ward. Many of them are not net-savy and never have even heard of LJ. Those who have are always amazed that we are still around at all on this site...and those who understand that we DO still populate this sinking ship don't write like we do (or did.)

I'm not ready to let go of LJ yet. I don't think I'll ever be. If I'm not here, then where would I would be? I hand-wrote plenty in my paper journal in the psych ward (the internet is strictly forebode in such places), but having spent so many years opening to the public and their words...that's a gift I don't think I can ever go without again.

And Michael - right-o again on the effects of SSRI's, like you said, Franklanguage. It had been about three weeks - two of those week stuffed with Jesse constantly telling me that he was seeing bad side effects. Two weeks of me completely ignoring him. Two weeks of losing the ability to even care about the worsening of symptoms.

And I'll be joining groups as well, Franklanguage. A DBT group and groups that are more well-rounded than just lupus meet-ups. I've discovered they have help with transportation to these groups, even, which is good as our car is forever running on an 1/8th of a tank.

I had to make a goal. That goal is to, every other day, have 30 minutes of meaningful interaction with another human being. Every other day because I know myself and my days of diving so deep into myself that breaching the waters will be impossible. But I need to make the effort to swim up to the surface once a while. I can do every other day.

I can't believe the effects isolation, physical or emotional, that these diseases can have.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1088684.html
Only asked about this as - one diagnosis in the mental sector never really excludes another, you know?
Well, I don't know what I got to BPD... Might be because it and PTSD can in parts have similar phenomena. See the self-harm thing...
WIth PTSD only it is that other people don't fail too hard understanding the reasons why somebody does an extreme or unusual thing, compared to a borderliner whose way to feel is often enough far away from the average and from logic.
People with PTSD, espcially chronic forms of it, you can see it on them that they're hurt. And they act like people who are hurt.
From that point it's not that too hard to understand if somebody voices a scream for help, when normal people tell him to go to the doctor, something's not alright, and the doctor in return tells them to go home again. It's just a situation where everyone would get mad and lose his mind.

Kind of why I started to prefer being sceptic in the mental health department and rather learn to understand the links on my own. 'Cause by those charlatans that run around, you never gonna experience anything good with them. They never understand anything, and through that they never gonna help you, only worsen your state. They only look for an easy job 'cause easy job is easy money.