From the ICU and beyond. -Jesse

"I was not trying to kill myself, I just wanted to stop myself from cutting" she admonishes me. "I wanted to go to sleep so I do not act on the urge." "What is the big deal, so I had a little to drink?" Quote from QT (This was from the later visit to the ICU deliver her the things she will need in the mental health floor, Yesterday.)

Words are seeds that bloom over time and landmines waiting to rip apart the unwary.

In the ER room (with Pat) and then the ICU (sans P).

She is a really mean drunk, things she said stick in my mind.

She thinks I betrayed her, when I dialed 911. Mixing prescription drugs with ANY alcohol is bad. We have cut others from our lives for such behavior. Even ashamed, I do not regret it.

It took 8 security guards and straps to keep her in the ICU, I was not there.

I cried into Pats mothers arms yesterday and I am crying writing this.

I am sorry for this post being all over the place.

I cry harder for that sentence I have just written, this is against my will.

Gathered, a bit better. I have decided something has broken, moving on.

This afternoon on the phone after being moved from ICU to the recovering side of the ward, we spoke. She is feeling truly hopeless, lost. To be locked away forever would be a mercy she believes. Even asking me, what does it take to be committed forever? Murder? I half laughed at that, the other gripped in fear. I read into it, but still.

She hopes she will get out tomorrow.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

The verbosity of this post is some of what I needed to update, the rest is just verbal vomit.

I read your comments

Post or edit, post or edit...

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I wonder what's gotten into her... This is not like usually.
Or I don't know what's truly going on in her head - one always needs to calculate between online life and real life, there can be a huge difference. There's some things you don't speak out on the web if you do not want to get in trouble or make other people worry about you.

I wonder... if "the Crazy", as she calls it, can become stronger, change.
Her own family history says it that there can be worse stages of it; and I know about the subject - psychosis, schizophrenia -, there's a genetic component to it too. If one of your parents or grandparents had it, then probability is there of developing it yourself. Direct bloodline to somebody with one of those two things is a risk factor.
It is never said that it can't become worse, can it?
That's what's my thought about "behaving so different than usually".
No accusation of anything - it's just one thought that comes to mind.

Other than that is that it reminds me of BPD behavior. Borderline, if you don't know what to do with the shortcut.
I would only be unusual for that term that such rise of extreme behavior of self-harm started so late in life 'cause actually it's said that borderliners become calmer when they age. When they're 40, they're not as in their 20s anymore.
Or it's just... being really desperate, being suicical and I mistake it for that.
Oh boy.

Well okay Jesse, I have some experience of this, having had an ex who was an ugly drunk and said and did mean things. And yeah, I hear you, that shit stays with you.

(When she drank, you could see the demons behind her eyes coming out to play. And it was terrifying to see.)

But yes, you did the right thing. Mixing you-don't-know-how-many prescription drugs with alcohol and being comatose is absolutely when you call the ambulance. She'll be angry for many reasons, you took the control away, you embaressed her, she embaressed herself, etc, etc. But you did the right thing.

Because the hard truth of this is she cannot survive many more of these adventures. Sooner or later she is going to kill herself, either deliberately or by accident. And the thing is, you have to find some way to prepare yourself mentally for that. And that's a hard job. It is possible to make ones peace with it, I did it with an anti depressant that turned my world into gray mist and removed me by one step from everything that was going on. Which allowed me to emotionally check out of the relationship.

Because it's hard to love somebody who is self destructive. I did it for years and it almost killed me. And you just have to find your own path and what works for you.

I guess the only hope here is to find out if this is all the bipolar running out of control, and if it can be brought back under control by medication. I don't know how responsible she's being at taking her meds. That might be something you may want to offer to help monitor, and if she resists, then you'll know she's not being responsible at taking them properly. My ex used to do this thing where she'd take every pill out of its original container and into special container, and she said that was how she liked having them, but the truth was that made it much harder for me to know how many she'd taken and if she was taking them properly.

But it's also important to look after yourself. In whatever way or shape that self care looks like. Because life doesn't get much scarier than this.

Good luck to you both.
Need to do something. Can't do shit. Don't have answers or ideas. Never been that far up Shit Creek, whether as a sufferer or a caretaker. So I'm forced to settle for a declaration that I'm paying attention. I agree that she's desperate to control something, ANYTHING, and you're in the crossfire right now.

...Forced to admit I'm grateful that to date, I've always been able to carve out a space away from the chaos without being forced to worry that during one afternoon's absence, everything could go straight to hell. Grateful beyond words that it's you there and not any from a list of other, less capable candidates. Like many around here, starting to wonder where YOUR reserves are at, and wishing there was at least something I could do about those.

...And then I remembered that I could at least open a useful line of communication, maybe.

I've spoken with Lance - he's in a bit of a furball over in Lawrence, but he's to a fair degree able and willing to be an extra pair of arms, and provide an extra set of wheels to help with the anklebiting logistical crap, and just be present, if that's desired.

He's asked you and Pat to ping at him on Facebook Messenger by way of getting that line of communication fully opened up. If a telephone number is the only thing that will do, I'll send that in a LiveJournal private message. (I'd've just done that straight-up, but I don't know if you're willing to check those, or how that side of things shakes out at all.)

Edited at 2017-07-28 08:50 pm (UTC)
She always said she was a mean drunk. She's gonna feel even more sorry for the things she said once she realizes what was said. I hope it doesn't cause a rift between the two of you.

My stepsister has Borderline Personality Disorder. One of her personalities; we believe one that protects the others, is a real monster. Nothing but rage. Our friend Paige can handle whatever personality she throws at us, though.

One time we had to take her to the hospital because she tried to OD. Her angry personality took over and she had to be strapped down. She echoed some of the same things Teressa said to you; that we betrayed her. She looked at Paige and said "I hate you." Paige said, "That's too bad, because I love you." "Whatever," she responded, but immediately simmered down. She pretty much defused the meanest of my sister's personalities with grace, patience, and love.

She's going to hate herself for breaking her sobriety. I know it's something she prided herself on.

I'm hoping she'll come to the same sort of epiphany that she did when she was younger -- that the path she's going down is eventually going to kill her, and that she still doesn't want to die.

She can learn to deal with the lupus, but not if she doesn't give herself the chance.

I know she doesn't feel like she has a lot going for her right now, but she does. She has a lot more going for her than she did back when she was... 19? Or was it 22? (My brain gets fuzzy with details; but it remembers events.) She has a home. She has a lot of friends who love her and support her in whatever way they can. She has a guy who loves her and is willing to support her through this difficult time. She has decades of healthy life choices behind her that she made, and if she made them once, she can make them again because they came from her.

Teressa is more than just a person; more than a statistic. She is a beautiful force of life that shines through even in her darkest moments. It doesn't matter what she does, or how successful she becomes, or how useful she feels. It only matters that she exists. She makes the world a better place because she does.

And again, I am SO GLAD that you are there to love, support, and look after her during this difficult time, even though I know it's painful to watch someone you love feel so hopeless and afraid. I know you're afraid, too. I wish you comfort and strength.
Is there any way for her to be involuntarily committed for a longer period of time? Where maybe she can have her meds sorted, find out what the hell is going on that had brought her so low? Is this the Lupus, is it something else? This is just so insane that she goes from having a good job to repeated suicide attempts. :(