She

The she that resides within, the flawed priori, sees the hole she has torn inside of herself. I see what is poisoned because I have cleared the tunnel of any obstructions. What lays beneath the end of the coal mine, where the canary's bones have long turned to dust, is open simply because there is nothing in the way of the stretching view. I have taken my hands and broken them digging to the depths of the darkness that I now see all around me.

Whether or not the bones ever heal, whether or not I can clean the rock and mortar from under my nails...this lies within me. I've dug away from the light and now need to twist around. I must use this broken body, this broken mind, this broken strength to crawl towards the light, where I began digging to start with.

What's hardest to accept is that if the road has been cleared one way, it is cleared the other way as well. Redemption is not counted by the eclipses we see from the corners of our eyes. It is counted by knowing that the tunnel is not endless, the light exists, and that we drag ourselves to it.

I've become used to being sick. It is now effortless to reach. I've come to count on the darkness as the answer to who I am. And while the darkness will always be a part of me, I must know myself as the day and night knows itself - one inexorably woven with the other.

As the sun rises, I've turned my head away from it. I've fled, seeking what is easier, the sickness that I've made so accessible. There is a time for being in the dark. And there is a time for the light of day as well. I'm flawed and can make no promises in my hurry towards the light, that my path will not plunge into the tar black of this coal mine again.

But I can make a promise that I know I need to accept the light as well. Though it may make me squint, though I may not be able to see for how blinding it may be, it is what I need to find my way towards.

This she knows. Some days that will be all I can say. But some days I can do more than know, and this is what I will do.

This entry was originally posted at https://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1097854.html
...I'm not sure what obsession people always have with "needing to find their way to the light".
It often sounds like something they force upon themselves, which they know about it's like reaching some unrealistic utopia.
I have found: "Why not changing the darkness?". Or "Why not learn to orientate within the darkness?"
Sure it is more like administering the misery, but taking care of oneself in the darkness also has its substance on it.
'Cause this is a thing one must learn anyway, if you got a tendency to slide into it.

When being on the dark side, it's more like needing to keep your eyes open for the light moments, for the lights posts, than otherwise walking in the light and knowing what to do with the dark moments.
Mastering the darkness... then it won't take control and do bullshit with your life.

But, I admit, lots of people can't handle it if you can seriously put out warnings as towards your behavior.
They always act like you voice threats or try to blackmail them. Like you're a criminal and they need to act against you, not embark on what you say...
It's the old parable about what wild beast you choose to feed isn't it.

There isn't really a time for being in the dark. That's depression whispering of its comforts. That's your goth instincts saying wallow in the silky black embrace of the night my child. that's, heaven knows what else. But yes, it's not good for you to exist constantly in the darkness.