The inner monolouge

What happened to me? I used to be so outgoing when I was younger. So...unafraid.


Okay, maybe more reckless, but still, my emotions never kept me so homebound before.

And so the days without me leaving the house continue to pile up. I'm trying to psych myself up to go out with Pat for even a couple of hours. I don't know if I'll be able to. I want to. I just don't know if I'll be able to take that step passed my doorstep.

This month marks the one year anniversary of being diagnosed with Lupus - the one year anniversary of the center constantly being unraveled and then wheeled back in.

Maybe that has something to do with it.

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I think I got a good answer for that: Because of hormones and body substances being very active in younger years. When you grow older, this ceases - as an effect, people grow calmer (perhaps) and they also don't dare as much anymore like they used to.
The "anniversary syndrome" has a strong pull; I know that even when I wasn't aware of why, I got severely depressed on the anniversary of my car crash, and it didn't ease up until I realized why I was feeling so bad in late October.

Today—the 25th—is the one-year anniversary of Richard's death, and that has me flashing back and basically not wanting to leave the house. But I have to.

Be gentle with yourself.
I dunno. The older I get the less I desire to be around people, too. They're too irritating; too much drama. It drains on my psychic energy. I understand the need for people...I just sometimes wish they could fulfill that need while leaving me alone. The more drama the person causes, the less I can be around them. (Obviously my wife doesn't count, but then she's a type-A introvert too, so she understands the need to recharge.)

I once told a co-worker that if I don't have to leave the house on an entire weekend, it's a good weekend. Then I corrected: if I don't have to change out of my pajamas all weekend, it's a good weekend.