Fevered dreams

It feels like the last year has been some kind of fever dream. Falling into the hospital for the first entire month, my blood pressure dropping so low that I had slipped into a coma, the subsequent wounds upon myself, the overdoses...all of it.

A dream. It all feels like a long, elaborate dream. I've been so long out of the physical symptoms of Lupus - months now - that I feel normal. Almost like I did before I got sick. I'm far less out of the psych ward at only a month and a half, but with the right medication now pulsing under my skin, the hysteria has faded into near obscurity.

(Of course, shall I say this and risk Fate tossing another cinderblock at my head? Sure, why not? There's always another right hook around the corner. I think that's what they call "Life".)

I've spent the last week combing deeply through the last year of writing. The high-rises of confusion, of anger, of violent panic which led me to jumping off bridges strikes like a bucket of cold water to my face. As, I suppose, it should.

My intensity both frightens and humbles me. It was a thing I flayed myself with. It was a weapon I wielded, no matter how unintentionally, at those around me. At the WORLD, which had earned my wrath for simply having the audacity to exist when I was falling apart. And fear - god, so much terror. The last year bore more terror than any combination of years in my entire life. And yet, I stayed.

No matter the fear, the confusion, the rage...I am still fucking here. And instead of being angry that I was so scared, tonight I feel overwhelming gratitude for just...being alive. For having some breathing room, finally. Enough space, enough stability, enough peace TO be grateful.

I am finally getting enough distance to start turning around and look at the year behind me. Soon I want to take the entries that were the hardest to read and write a second chapter to them. A year's passing, to write how I feel now about those entries. To apply hindsight to them, because if there's anything a journal was invented for, it is damn well hindsight.

Remember when I said that I didn't think Life was the greatest thing ever invented?

It is. It IS the greatest thing invented - and thank you all so much for being here for it. Dream or no, I never would have made it without you guys.

This entry was originally posted at http://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1101347.html
I hope for you that it's not only euphoria or pretending something that isn't really there...