First hospital visit of the year

I haven't but barely touched LJ in the last six months. I figured that it was me coasting on the road of Relative Health. But life does what it does, and whether or not I wanted it, it's given me a reason to write.

At least for the next few days. However long I'm chained by IV's to the hospital bed for, at the very least.

About a week ago I began experiencing extreme nausea and vomiting. This persists even to now. But when I started nearly passing out, pain in my chest when I walked more than 10 feet, and a cryptic message from my doctor ("Please come see me as soon as possible. We have to look at your kidney functions."), I was like "Awwww, fuck it, may as well go to the ER."

See, I was being sneaky. I'd been putting off the ER trip because I desperately did not want to be admitted. In an attempt to utilize the fact that my life is often lived in Opposite World, I packed my overnight bag, banking on the idea that if I was ACTUALLY prepared to be admitted, they wouldn't admit me.

But as you said on FB, Michael "The universe knows when you're trying to fool it. It only does the opposite of what you're expecting when you're truly not expecting it.. And the Universe has got my trick all figured out.

Apparently my kidneys are on the verge of failing again. I'm getting somewhat conflicting stories - the ER folks said I was in active, acute kidney failure and that my labs were all over the place. The nurses here, after looking through my chart, said my kidneys were dangerously close to failing, but it's only a few symptoms that they are reading as problematic, not the whole of all my labs.

I'll get a clearer picture when I speak to the nephrologist tomorrow.

My reaction to this has been strangely...cavalier. I think I have finally come to some kind of peace concerning hospital visits. This is just part of the package that comes with Lupus. And after roughly 14 hospitalizations over the last year and a half, it's just not big news to me. It's all quite routine.

Of course, I could be also be experiencing some denial here, and be way more scared than I think I feel, but...I don't think that's entirely it.

Is it okay for a person to get used to being in the hospital several times a year? Is it ok to be mostly ok with that? Or is that being jaded and cynical????

Btw, ya'll, I'm gonna make another entry here soon, a locked one, and give ya'll my FB and the profile pic, since there's actually several people with my first and last name in the USA. WARNING: I have some pretty diehard conservatives on my list, and they can be problematic. If you have to unfollow me to keep their shit off your page, no offense is taken.

It just occurs to me not all you have my FB, and I recently become active on it again. I miss you guys so much.

This entry was originally posted at
Ah, damn...
But it's good to hear you're still among the living.

On the point of "accepting the hospital visits": I guess it's getting used to the disease itself and learning its patterns, how it works. If you know that, you also got an instinct when something's wrong and when something's not and when that is so heavy that you can't help yourself with it alone. Just a thing of learning "that helps" - and what helps is just to surrender to the hospital visit.
I'm sorry to hear that your body is misbehaving again. Let's hope the conservative "there are a few labs that concern us" interpretation is correct and the "OMG! Your labs are horrible" supporters are mistaken.

Is it okay for a person to get used to being in the hospital several times a year?

Of course it is. I think it's a sign of serenity and acceptance, given your (or my wife's) circumstances. Sure, the hospital sucks and it's expensive as all get-out, but being there is hardly a reason for anxiety.

Hospitals frighten people because they're unfamiliar. You've been there often enough that it isn't scary any more: it's just something that needs to be done, like washing dishes or changing the oil in your car.

Your body is in a state of rebellion that will come and go as it pleases. All you can do is treat the disease the best way you can. If that means a trip to the hospital, that's what it means. Make friends with the patient care people. They're usually bored late at night... and you're probably bored the whole time you're there.