(no subject)

Annie, THANK YOU! And Michael - thank you as well, AND your lovely wife! I can now get through the next few weeks - and Rupert can get his shots! Thank you all so much - god I love you guys. Knowing that the support is still there, both financially and knowing that there are those out there who still witness, despite the ghost town this place has become, is invaluable.

Hell, despite the ghost town I've become on here. I love each and every one of you, thank you. I wish the English language had better words than "thank you". It always seems so paltry, but I don't know the words to say it any better.

I've come to realize I'm depressed, though it seems entirely situational. I can't work and I can't volunteer. Doing either of those right now hurts my chances at receiving disability. As it stands, I wouldn't be able to manage anything more than part time anyways, but it's left me with a vast amount of free time and little to fill it with. At first I thought I was just bored. And I am. I am SO bored. That boredom leads to even further fatigue, stacking onto the lupus fatigue, and leaves me staring at the screen, trying to distract myself.

It was when I realized I haven't showered more than once a week for easily a year now that I figured out I was depressed. I couldn't figure out why I stopped writing. Pat pointed out that depression will sap away the want to do things that I enjoy. I forgot that. Jesse encourages me to return to writing, to write a book, hell, to just write anything. As always, being implored to "do something" with my writing annoys me. I push back on the idea and instead spend hours on Facebook.

Which has become its own trap, with the political and moral state of America. I find myself becoming genuinely despondent. The existential angst is reaching previously unknown depths. The outrage treadmill in years past was....well, never healthy but it never affected me like this before, either. It used to be fun to argue. Being provoked and provoking others was an interesting way to pass the time. Now the arguing comes with incredibly high stakes, even as I ponder the final uselessness of arguing morality on Facebook. I cannot decide if humanity was always this cruel and blind or if it is just a product of our times and the proliferation of social media. I cannot get around how the worst of all this is not the ruling class themselves, but the people below them. I've seen enough evil in my life and now it seems I see evil all around.

And the evil is often so banal. So mundane. So entrenched in the common man that it becomes unremarkable. How do you fight what others see as normal instead of evil? How do you fight a war that has no soldiers but is instead a mess of ordinary people believing that they stand for ordinary things?

In the end, I keep asking myself if my country is really becoming so hellish, or am I just depressed and not able to separate the two properly? Probably both.

The only other thing of note that's happened in the last few weeks/months is that Jesse spent a couple of days in the hospital last week. He turned out to be fine, having come down with a chest infection that antibiotics are clearing up, but there was initial concern about a heart attack and blood clots. Hospitals are triggering for him, as he spent 15 days in sedation from the swine flu in 2008. It gave him amnesia and physical deterioration problems that took years for him to recover from. He is also terrified of needles - and for some reason, they gave him ALL the needles during his 48 hour stay. Three IV's, 4 blood draws, 2 contrast shots, 4 blood sugar pokes, a shot of insulin AND a shot of an anti-clotting medication.

I was extremely proud of how well he handled it. Needles are not fun for those of us who are used to them. For those who have anxiety? It must be terrifying.

Winter has come early for the Midwest. Or early considering climate change, as last year the summer temperatures climbed well into November. The first frost has already settled on the grass this October. Winter has never been my favorite season, but as I spent so much of the last two winters in the hospital, perhaps there'll be a chance for me to enjoy it this year.

Or at least not hate it so much.

This entry was originally posted at https://quirkytizzy.dreamwidth.org/1115528.html
I don't know if Lupus, as a disease, can contribute physically to a depression...

The other part of that - saying, it's not like you're the only one out there which feels this way.
It seems like... "Wanting a fair and subject-oriented discussion? No, that's not in stock, we only got plenty of emotional drama, dogmatic belief and ideological trench warfare! Deal with it!".
...And it's not like my mind ever had a high opinion about mankind. Pretty much the opposite.
I don't know if times were like this before back then at the middle of the last decade, my brain simply doesn't remember that exactly anymore... At that time, for my brain, there happened something which was like shredding similar shit into bits. Someone appeared on the stage and called that shit out as what it is, not picking the usual nice and whitewashing words and he didn't respond to this shit with a positive answer.
Media, of course, tried to distort his image into some sick freak which didn't know what he says, which lives in a twisted world that nobody else lives in.
This was for the simple reason because he voiced a scream to the outside world that didn't match their agenda which they usually spread. It was no confirmation of "the good life" that everyone's supposed to have here.
In my opinion, since then this general wound actually lied open. The crisis of 2008/2009 actually confirmed the wrong course the world is kept running on...
Some of that which was heard then from that person, I find, later became a little bit of "mainstream of criticism against capitalism". At least that's what I'd judge the progress of things as.
If you knew about the case, you just shook your head over the acting during the urgent time of the crisis because it was like "now something can be called out and nobody's interested what needed to be damned and talked to be utter bullshit only a few years ago"...

The course of how things work day by day, in several countries, each separate from one other, now has reached some similar status of gridlock again and it seems like this is another moment where just only one clear call from someone can cut the skies into halves and people will personally agree with him.
I only fear for what will be the message of this said person. Will it call things out again on what they factually are, besides making the wrong conclusions for action along with it, or will it be some fascist warcry which tries to fool the people again into believing in absolute bullshit?
This is the question that comes up for me - and I fear for what the progress of things has done to the average attitude in the meantime, so that recognizing the real ongoing patterns will be like a master stroke now that barely anyone can perform anymore... In other words: The general way people are shaped now by their close and the larger environment, I doubt that something else than complete bullshit can now still come out of that.
And this is something that gives me uncomfortable concerns about the situation...
I don't like the thought of things progressing that far.

But, acting on your own against it, it seems like all trying is futilre because people are so caught up in their emotional drama... How do they call it in psychology? "They only revolve around themselves."
If you try to bring something up from outside that circle, if you try to point at the game and the egoistic drama people are caught in, it's like talking to them in a foreign language. Over here, over there... Even if you already speak to them in different languages.
They're really don't get it.
And, to some extent, they don't even want to. They wanna stick with their emotional drama and regard it as the answer to everything because that gives them meaning in life without actually having to struggle for anything, without needing to do anything for this meaning in life, to achieve it.
It's like talking to someone about getting the whole cake for you two, but he's already content with a crumb of it and he cites "longing for the whole cake is so exhausting, I want quick successes!"...